When You Love Another More
by KatherineGrace79
Summary: AU. James struggles to keep his bond with his daughter. Sirius/OC.


_Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Harry Potter or anything affiliated with it_ James's Lament 

_June 12__th__ 1993_

It was a Thursday when I first noticed that I was losing her. She had been down at Hagrid's hut with her two best friends, Ron and Hermione, trying to comfort their large friend over the pending execution of Buckbeak the Hippogriff. I thank everyday that Remus had taken the Marauder's Map from her when he did. It led us to her to save her in the Shrieking Shack from the man I had once called a brother. Little did I know that in just a year, I would be seeking to call him brother again.

She had thrown herself in front of Sirius Black when Remus and I pointed our wands at him, ready to kill him for his betrayal. She had persuaded us to take him to Dumbledore, up to the castle. The way she threw herself in front of him so quickly reminded me of Lily doing the same for her when Voldemort came to kill us all. My baby girl, my only child, was prepared to die for the man that she was protecting and that confused me at first. The more I thought on it, the more it hurt. I saw something in his eyes when she did that as well. Something painful. It was only later that I learnt that she had done the same for the true person who had betrayed my family. I didn't know whether to proud of her or angry that she would protect a man who would have seen us all dead. It took me a few more years to realise that it didn't matter what the person had done, she wouldn't see a man or woman killed in cold blood.

And so we took him towards the castle as she had requested but something happened that night. Remus had forgotten to take his Wolfsbane potion and transformed before our eyes. Sirius had broken free of his bonds and he threw her protectively behind him, yelling for her and her friends to run. She screamed his name when he was thrown a great length in his animagus form and I couldn't stop her as she ran after him, ignoring the werewolf that had taken Remus's place. The next time I saw her that night, she was collapsed on the ground by Sirius's unconscious form, wand held limply in her hand as dementors screeched away from their forms.

I carried my baby girl in my arms up to the castle, levitating Sirius's bound form next to us. He was taken from me at the door and Madam Pomefry and Lily met us at the Hospital Wing. When she awoke, Hermione was leaning over her form, whispering something desperately into her ear and she sat bolt upright, swinging her legs from the bed. She kept declaring that Sirius was innocent and that Peter Pettigrew, the man I had raised her to believe was a dead hero, was alive and the real betrayer. I believed she was confounded and when she looked at me, she had stepped that little bit away from me in what would become a giant crater of a separation between us.

Dumbledore asked us to leave and meet us in his office where he would join us soon so he could speak with _Miss Potter and Miss Granger_ alone. Even now, some years later, the details of what truly happened that night are still unclear to me. From what Sirius told me, she had saved his life that night and had cast one of the most powerful Patronus's he had ever seen. She and Hermione had rescued Buckbeak from his execution and had saved Sirius from a fate worse than death, which I would have happily overseen at the time.

That was the first time I realised I didn't know my daughter as well as I thought I did.

_June 24__th__ 1994_

She wouldn't even let me comfort her that night. The night that she came back from the graveyard, clutching at the dead body of a fellow student, having seen Lord Voldemort rise again and having been tortured by him. She didn't want anyone to touch her except Ron and Hermione. They comforted her and held her before _he_ arrived.

I recognised his animagus form in a heartbeat and I had my wand trained on him as he transformed into his human self. She ignored my wand though as she flew off of her bed and into his waiting arms. I had to look away as she broke down against him, her body shaking with sobs and her knuckles white from the pressure she was gripping his shirt with. He just sank to the floor with her, his arms wrapped around her, as he just held her, not saying anything. She fell asleep in his arms, exhausted from her tears and he lifted her easily up into his arms. She looked so small and vulnerable in his arms as he placed her gently back onto her hospital bed. I didn't miss the way he tenderly smoothed a lock of her hair from her face, his fingers touching her scar gently before he turned to Ron and Hermione.

She had been seeing him all year and writing to him. He had been living in a cave in Hogsmeade, surviving off rats just so he could be close to his goddaughter to protect her and help her if she needed him. When she woke up again a few hours later, it wasn't my name she murmured but Sirius's. He was at her side in a second and she smiled weakly up at him. When it was time for him to leave to alert the others that Lord Voldemort had risen again, she had clutched at his hand and asked Dumbledore to send someone else and why couldn't he stay?

If that had been me, I would have told Dumbledore to send someone else and stayed with my daughter but Sirius didn't do that. He didn't treat her like a child, instead he turned to her, took her face in his hands and told her that he had to do what he could, she understood that didn't she? I thought she didn't from the way that she looked at him but she nodded her head and gave him a brave, albeit sad, smile and said that _of course_ she did. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, whispered something to her, and shook hands with Ron and Hermione before looking to me, Remus and Lily with an empty look before transforming and running the length of the Hospital Wing. He looked back at her before he left and she sank back into her bed.

I realised again that she was growing distant from me and I was powerless to stop it.

_July 30__th__ 1996_

This was the worst day that I can remember. Sirius had fallen through the veil only a month before and she hadn't been the same since. She kept to her room and only came out to post a letter to Ron or Hermione as Hedwig was away on business for the family. Lily was at work and it was late. I was surprised when she entered the kitchen looking relatively normal. We were due to go to the Weasley's the next day where we would spend the rest of the summer. She looked normal in her jeans and a simple grey top with the slogan of a band I had never heard of splashed across it. She didn't say anything to me, just poured herself a glass of orange juice and stood looking out of the window at the trees in the back garden, drinking her juice.

_That was where I first saw Sirius_ her words surprised me. She had barely said two words to me all holiday, preferring the company of her mother or Hermione, who had spent a week with us. I didn't know what to say to her. In the year since Sirius and I had been reforming our friendship, we hadn't been as close as we were. I had doubts that we would ever be as close as we were. I had let him rot in Azkaban for 12 years and refused to believe my own child when she said he was innocent. I didn't know how to talk to her about Sirius, with whom she had grown irrevocably close to during our time at the Headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. He had left everything to her in his will and a look of intense sadness had crossed her face when she had been told that.

_I thought he was the grim, like one of mum's silly superstitions_. She was talking to herself more than me. I could sense a faint amount of amusement in her voice as she ran her fingers through her recently cut hair in a move that reminded me of me when I was at Hogwarts. She had cut her hair after he had died and it just reached below her chin now. I loved my wife and daughter having long hair and it had taken some adjusting to see her with short black hair but I didn't say anything expect it looked nice. She needed a change according to Lily and changing her hair was the easiest thing she could do. I didn't understand my daughter but how was I meant to? She was destined to save the Wizarding World.

_I keep thinking back to that night, when he died_. She said it calmly, evenly that I had to keep my eyes trained on her back, my report for Dumbledore could wait. This was the most I had heard her talk all summer and I hadn't expected her to talk about Sirius to me. From what Hermione told me, she hadn't even spoken to her and Ron about Sirius and she told them everything. Hermione had told me to give her time and it hurt that her friend knew more about her than I did. I wondered absently whether my parents felt this way when I was friends with Sirius.

_He was laughing when he died. That was nice. He didn't laugh enough during life._ She was musing now and I thought back to my years at Hogwarts with Sirius. He had laughed all the time then but yes, I saw her point. The only time I ever saw him smile during his last months was when he either got a letter from her or saw her. The Christmas we spent at Headquarters was all her idea actually. We were all set to spend Christmas in Godric's Hollow as we normally did with Remus when she sent us a letter a week before her first term ended saying that she wouldn't be coming home for Christmas as she wanted to spend it with her Godfather as a surprise for him. Lily instantly changed our Christmas plans and we were at Headquarters for Christmas. She had beaten us there though because of her vision of Arthur being attacked. Sirius had once again comforted her through that.

_You were duelling Bellatrix before him_. I didn't know whether she was accusing me of not finishing her off or what but she didn't turn around so I just waited. My little girl was growing up too fast and I was powerless to stop it. She had to grow up fast, Sirius said to me one night when he hadn't started drinking yet, or she'll die. I had put his words down to the overwhelming solitude and memories he had to deal with but when I saw her that night in the Ministry of Magic, holding her own against Antonin Dolohov, who had helped torture Frank and Alice into insanity, Neville Longbottom back to back with her, I realised that he was right. If she hadn't forced herself to grow up fast, she would have been dead long before that night. The fear of seeing her duel one of the most fearsome death eaters had been overwhelming.

_It should have been you_. I didn't hear and understand her words at first. My mind was still fixed on the image of her shooting curse after curse at Dolohov, a fierce expression on her face, the prophecy held tightly in one hand. I had tried to fight my way over to her but had been waylaid by Bellatrix. I saw a flash of green and my heart had clenched in fear as I spun, shooting Bellatrix back. I saw the Killing Curse miss her face by a mere hairsbreadth. She didn't falter as she switched from magical fighting to Muggle fighting. She had kicked him in the stomach before slamming her fist across his face and stunning him as he howled in pain. She had grabbed Neville by the back of his shirt and hauled him to safety, the prophecy breaking as they fell to the ground.

_It should have been you who died_. This time, her words hit home and I could feel my entire heart breaking and crumbling. She turned to look at me and the bright green eyes that belonged to her mother were staring at me with a hollow emptiness. She didn't blame me for Sirius's death but she resented the fact that I had lived whilst he had died. I had half-suspected that she felt that way but I had hoped…the fact that she had said it to my face meant that she didn't care if I was hurt. She wanted me to hurt like she was hurting.

I tried to reason with her and I can't remember what I had said or done but, for the first time in her life, she had slapped me. Her palm came crashing down across my cheek and my head snapped to one side as the sound of skin on skin contact echoed in our homely kitchen. Sirius had joked with her, Ron and Hermione once that one of her punches could really knock a man for six. Apparently, she had punched Sirius when she believed him to be the man who had betrayed us all. For someone so petite and slim, my daughter could put a lot of power behind her blow and I stood there in silence as she looked up at me, eyes blazing with an emotion that had never been directed at me before. _Complete and utter hate_. She never said the words as she stepped past me and left my stinging cheek and me alone in the kitchen but I had seen it in her eyes. She hated me.

My own daughter hated me.

_May 30__th__ 1997_

She didn't even look at me following Albus Dumbledore's death. She didn't come near me. She didn't say a lot that night except when she fought for the right for the students of Hogwarts to stay for Dumbledore's funeral and when someone had dared suggest that Dumbledore wouldn't be buried at Hogwarts she had fought tooth and nail to have him buried at the school. Apart from that, she remained silent and stoic, Ron and Hermione on either side of her – her support network. I swore I saw her friends holding her hands for a brief, reassuring moment. She watched as Tonks proclaimed her love for Remus and smiled faintly as Remus kissed her. Ron had whispered something to her and she smiled wider at that, leaning her head against his shoulder as Hermione slipped an arm around her waist.

No one knew what she and Dumbledore had been doing the night that he had died as she had refused to tell anyone, remaining true and loyal to Dumbledore even after his death. I knew that Ron and Hermione knew what had been happening, as they knew everything that she did but she didn't tell me, she only told her mother not to worry about her and what she was doing would ultimately save them all. She had hugged Tonks and said something to the Auror that had made her blush heavily before she, Ron and Hermione had left together.

I saw her at the funeral but she didn't sit with us. She sat next to Aberforth Dumbledore, Ron and Hermione behind her. According to Remus, Aberforth had requested that she sit in the family section as per Albus's wishes. She didn't shed a single tear throughout but her entire posture screamed resignation to a fate that never should have been hers. That damned prophecy was the cause of all of this. I had only found out that she knew about it when Dumbledore told me he had told her a month before his death. She had known for a year and hadn't told her parents that she knew.

She was speaking to the Minister for Magic when I next saw her, after the funeral. Her chin was lifted and she turned her back on the Minister after some sharp words and she walked up the hill to where Ron and Hermione were waiting for her. I couldn't help but watch them. The three of them, they seemed so old and she turned to them, surprised at something they had said and Ron just grinned, slinging an arm around her shoulders before the three of them looked up to the castle. I didn't know what they were talking about but Ron and Hermione had said something to make her happy and relieved.

The next time I saw her, she was disembarking the Hogwarts Express at Platform 9¾ with a new fire burning in her eyes. She had a small smile on her lips and I distinctly heard the name _Sirius_ spoken as she scanned the platform, her eyes settling on her mother and I. She pointed across the platform to where Hermione's Muggle parents were waiting and she and Ron walked her over, hugging her tightly in farewell before she walked Ron over to the Weasley's, laughing fondly as Molly wrapped her in a bone-crushing hug and Fred and George kissed her cheeks sloppily. Ron grabbed her elbow as she went to walk away and pulled her into a warm, safe, brotherly hug, kissing her temple before letting her go.

She patiently allowed Lily to fuss over her, commenting on her weight and asking how the last few days of school were. She looked to me and gave me a brief, perfunctory hug that was cold and stiff. My heart broke again as Lily looped arms with her and walked her from the platform, the two women in my life laughing as I trailed behind, picking up a photograph that had fallen from her back pocket.

It was a crumpled, folded picture of her and Sirius at the only Christmas they had spent together. He had on a stupid Santa hat and she was laughing as she flicked the white ball on the end of the hat from his face before he wrapped his arms around her from behind and they grinned at the camera. It was the happiest I had seen her in a long time. I slipped the photograph into my pocket and left the platform, raising my hand in greeting to Arthur and his family. We would see them all soon enough anyway.

She was so far away from me now that if I reached out to her, I wouldn't be any closer to touching her than before.

_May 2__nd__ 1998_

The entire Wizarding population was in a state of celebration. She had done it. She had defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort in a show down at Hogwarts but at a great cost. Remus was dead, as was his sweet wife, Nymphadora; Fred Weasley had given his life as well as a small, Gryffindor fifth-year, Colin Creevey, who had snuck back into the castle to fight. Remus's death struck me hard, as he was my best friend, had been for 27 years and he had just had a little boy as well. Teddy would grow up without knowing his parents but I would make sure he knew just how brave his father had been and how he had died for a better world.

The hardest loss though was one I had expected but had never prepared for. Seeing her dead was the hardest, most heart-wrenching thing I could have gone through. She had known the sacrifices and had been ready and willing to die for a better world but still…I will never forget that flash of light that had Voldemort falling to the floor with a mundane finality. She stayed on her feet for a second longer, swaying uncertainly. In that brief, moment of silence where everyone was trying to digest what had happened, she fell. No, she crumbled to the ground.

Ron and Hermione reached her first, cradling her head and body. Lily and I were close behind them but by the time we had reached her, she had already breathed her last and Hermione let out a devastated, anguished scream that would haunt me until my dying day. Ron let out a low, pained groan as he gathered the dead body of my daughter up into his arms and rocked back and forth, tears pouring down his cheeks. A low, whale like moan filled the whole as the realisation that their saviour was dead.

I felt Lily fall to the ground besides me, Molly there to catch her. I just stood, staring at her. She looked like she was sleeping. Her black hair had grown back and was spilling over Ron's arm as he cradled her. Her eyes were closed peacefully, her lips slightly parted and her limp, lifeless hand in Hermione's. She had died holding the hand of her best friend, her sister. There was no fatal mark on her but she must have been struck by the ripple effect of the spell that had finished Voldemort. I fell to my knees and edged forwards. Ron looked up at me and then back to her. Very, _very_ reluctantly he released her and passed her to me.

She was still warm. Her body felt as though she was sleeping as she had done in my arms when she was a child but she was no longer a child, she was an adult, an adult who had died for a cause that she fiercely believed in. I smoothed her hair back with a shaking hand and pressed a kiss to her lightening bolt scar, my own tears dripping onto her face. She hadn't lived to her 18th birthday. She had joked about that once. How she wouldn't live to see her 18th. Ron had punched her shoulder lightly and Hermione had rolled her eyes, turning back to her book but her words had struck me. She was being serious. She understood the risks, even then.

I had truly lost my little girl in the most horrific of ways.

_August 25__th__ 2000_

No parent should ever have to bury their own child but three years ago, Lily and I had buried our only child in a private family ceremony. However, considering the fact that she had considered many people her family, it had been quite large. We had buried her in the Potter Family Graveyard in Godric's Hollow where Remus and Nymphadora also lay; they were my family too and there was even a memorial stone for Sirius as well. Ron had taken me aside shortly after her death and had requested that she be buried next to Sirius. I had agreed.

I stood there now, staring down at the gravestone of my only daughter. She would have been 20 by now. I came every week to talk to her, apologising for everything I had done wrong and telling her what had happened without her. There had been talk of a holiday being named after her but Hermione had talked the Minister for Magic, an old friend of her's actually, out of it and instead, the day my daughter died was known as Liberation Day. It was a national holiday and pictures of her were blown up as large as houses to mourn the loss of a nation. It made me feel…content to know that she would never truly die if people kept remembering her and she was remembered in the best possible way today.

Ron and Hermione had had a little girl that very morning and they had named her after their best friend. She was a beautiful thing. Red hair but going to look like her mother, which was for sure. I hope that she will be up to taking up the mantle that her namesake had left behind but it didn't matter because they had asked Lily and I to be the child's godparents. They said that if they couldn't have the Potter they wanted for their first choice then they had to have a Potter. They didn't want anyone but a Potter to be involved in their daughter's upbringing.

_You know, Sirius said that you would keep coming back, I owe him money now_. I looked sharply up at the familiar voice and I inhaled quickly. Standing before me, leaning against her own headstone was my daughter exactly as I remembered her. She was wearing the clothes she had died in but she looked clean and happy. Her hands were tucked into the pockets of her jeans and her hair was loose around her shoulders as she looked at me with her bright green eyes. I didn't know what to say. _Hello, dad, it's been a while. Well, for you, time really has no meaning where I am. Sirius and Remus say hey._

_You're dead_. It wasn't the most eloquent I had ever been but it was all I could get in. She smiled in amusement as she pushed herself away from her marble gravestone where she stretched and ran one hand through her hair. It was the one habit that she had really picked up from me. It had infuriated her mother to know end.

_I am glad to see your observation skills still knows no bounds._ She joked with a grin. _But yes, dad, I am dead. Nothing can change that._

_How are you here?_ I dare not breathe too loudly in case she leaves and I'm left in the graveyard alone. She rocks back on her heels, something I recall Sirius doing when we were at school.

_The people upstairs owe me a few favours_, she answered with an endearing shrug. _I've been watching you, dad, you and mum. Why do you keep coming back here when there's a life to live out there?_

She nodded in the direction of the exit of the graveyard and I stare at her for a few seconds. I didn't see her during the last year of her life; she was off hunting down Horcruxes with Ron and Hermione whilst the rest of us were left behind. Only when I examined her did I notice that she no longer had the scar on her forehead. She noticed where my eyes were looking.

_Kind of cool, right?_ She asked me and I looked back to her face. _It's like it never even existed where I am._

_Where are you?_ I asked and she grinned at me again and I recognise the grin as my own.

_Somewhere safe and warm._ She told me as she circled her grave, standing next to me. I can almost feel the warmth of her skin. _But you still haven't answered my question. Why do you keep coming back? Mum visits once a month but you come every week, more if you can._

_I don't want you to be alone_. I admitted and my voice sounded pathetic even to my ears as I turned to face her. She was still shorter than me, it seemed death couldn't even fix her height and she looked up at me, looking so corporeal I wondered if I could touch her. Feel her skin beneath my palm.

_I'm not alone, dad_. She said to me. _Remus and Tonks are up there, so are Fred and Albus, and Grandma and Grandpa – they say hello by the way – and Sirius is there. I've been watching over you and it hurts me to see you like this, dad. If you're not careful, you're going to push mum away and she needs you now more than ever._

_What's that meant to mean?_ I asked; she didn't sound sad or lonely and if my parents were with her then she would be looked after.

_She's pregnant, dad_. She replied calmly and my eyebrows shot up. _She's four months along but she's terrified to tell you because you can't lay me to rest properly. I'm still in your head, tormenting you with words left unsaid. She needs you. Your wife needs you and your baby, my brother, needs you._

_Brother?_ I was thoroughly lost and confused now. She just grinned sheepishly.

_I couldn't resist having a peek, don't tell mum though; she'd bring me back to life to kill me for telling you_. She laughed and her laugh was like music to my ears. She sobered up into seriousness. _Dad, I know that our last few years together weren't easy and I wasn't particularly nice and kind to you but you need to know that I love you so much. You're my dad and nothing, nothing will change that. You were the best damn father there was and it was my own stupidity and fears that kept me from telling you that._

_I let you down_…I murmured painfully but she shook her head and there was no mistaking the silvery tears glistening in her emerald eyes.

_No, no you didn't_. She replied firmly, swiping the back of her hand across her eyes. _The reason I was such a bitch to you…it was because I had already lost Sirius and I couldn't bear losing you too. I never told you, did I? I loved Sirius._

_I got that impression._ I nodded and this time she smiled faintly, looking at his memorial stone.

_No, dad,_ she said, _I mean I really loved him. Not that the idiot knew of course. 12 years in Azkaban will slow any man up. It feels weird admitting this to you but in the months and years after his death, I realised that I didn't care what happened to me. He…he was the one I wanted to marry and have children with. With him dead, I couldn't imagine surviving Voldemort without him. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to die but I was prepared to do it. I blamed you because you couldn't see that I was so desperately in love with him and I needed you to help me. Then again, I never told you so…y'know._

_Didn't see that one coming_. I muttered. It made sense though but hearing that my daughter had loved someone so much that she couldn't imagine a future without them was odd. And as that someone was Sirius. I rubbed my eyes and I felt a warm wash on my arm. I looked down and saw that her hand was half immersed in my arm. It felt warm and comforting.

_You need to make your peace with me and my death, dad_. She told me gently. _You need to be a father to your son and believe me when I say that you will be the best father in the world. Just…tell him about me sometime. I always fancied being a sister, y'know._

_Will I see you again?_ I asked hopefully, a tinge of desperation lacing my words.

_Yes._ She said. _But only when it's your time and dad…that's not going to be for a long time, okay? I'll be waiting for you and mum on the other side with Sirius and Remus but it's going to be many years before you see us. You have your life to live and a son to raise. Oh, and dad? Tell Ron and Hermione that I love their name for their daughter?_

_I will_ I promised but she was no longer there, the graveyard was empty and I looked around for her but she wasn't there. All that remained was a single, white lily in his hands that hadn't been there before. Tears trickled down my cheek as I drew in a deep breath and crouched down, laying the lily at the base of her grave. _Bye, baby_.

I walked away and I didn't look back.

_Here lies Rose Potter_

_July 31__st__ 1980 – May 2__nd__ 1998_

_Beloved daughter and treasured friend_

_She saved the world a lot._

The End

_What do you think? Very angsty in my opinion and also very AU. Obviously, James and Lily had never died yet Sirius had still gone to Azkaban. I'm aware that some back-story is needed and if the response is good then I'll possibly write some._

_Kate_


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